Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
