OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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