Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Be still, my beating vagina.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I think my moral compass just broke
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
