Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
