I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
