I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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