Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
