Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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