I just saw a hot homeless man
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
