Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
