and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I have fence marks all over my body
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
