just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
