my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
