Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
