Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
