I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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