I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
