she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
