Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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