Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The Olympian is in my bed
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
