so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
