New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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