you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
