When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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