I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
