The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
