Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
