Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
