I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
