your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
