Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
50% drunk capacity currently
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
