my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
