Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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