Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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