so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
