hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
