apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
