worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
