She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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