I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
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