I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
