i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
