If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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