My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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