Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
