Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
