I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
