This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
