Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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