dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Let the clothes fall where they may.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
