I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
