This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
